Gobley Goop

I have a lot on my mind that I just need to get out. I'm sure this post will be filled with randomness and disjointed thoughts.

Sleep:
The boys are still waking two to four times a night. I really don't know what to do about it, when I will do something about it, or how to address it. I kind of feel like everyone thinks they should be sleeping through the night and that somehow I've failed because they are not sleeping through the night. Am I a failure? Are they sleep failures? Is it just that my expectations of myself or them are too high? And then I hear from friends who say they continued to get up with their babies once a night well into their second year. So I think I should be able to do that without the guilt. But I have two babies. So even if they were each only waking once, that still means I'm getting up twice. If they time it just right, I'm still not able to get more than three hours in a row. But it doesn't seem fair to my babies that just because there are two of them that they have to go all night without a feeding. And it doesn't seem fair to me that just because I have two babies that I have to wean them from night feedings. Since most of my friends only have single babies, I'm getting sleep training advice from people who just don't know what it's like to have two babies waking up and the worry about them waking each other. I'm constantly trying to figure out how to impact my own sleep the least. So if I've just gotten one baby to sleep and the other wakes up, I'm much more likely to attend to his needs right away so he doesn't wake up his brother. Then I start to feel like that wasn't fair to the first who had to cry a bit before I went in to him. It's just really, really hard. But I don't even ask my fellow mothers of multiples because I feel like such a failure. It seems all my other multiple moms have gotten through the sleep training. Yep, I just feel like a failure. So I just keep getting up with them. Hour after hour, night after night. I have gotten a five hour stretch of sleep exactly two times since they were born. Probably less than five times have I gotten 4 hours of sleep in a row.
The other sleep issue that I'm struggling with is more about the crying. I get so tired of people complaining that if they do CIO, their baby will cry for up to 20 minutes. Like it's a horrible thing that it took 20 minutes of crying for their baby to go to sleep. My guys will cry for up to two hours! I just have very little sympathy for those people. They are probably the same people that I think think my babies should be sleeping through the night. But is the bigger issue that they are crying for that long because there is a physical need? Is it okay to let your baby cry that long? How many people that have successfully sleep trained their babies had babies that cried/screamed for two hours? After an hour I thought maybe he is hungry, but I figured that if I fed him at that point, he'd start to think that an hour of crying would bring the milk. So I let him scream for two hours before he fell asleep. Am I a bad mother for letting him cry for two hours? Do I just have really stubborn kids and I need to let them cry for that long?

Birthday:
It's hard to believe that in one month and 2 days my babies will be turning 1. How is that even possible? So often I look at them and they seem so small still. And other times, like tonight when Glen was holding Micah at bedtime, they look so big. I feel sad and hopeful at the same time. So we are traveling back home to celebrate their birthdays. We haven't been home since February, so it's time. We are hoping to have all of the boys' aunts and uncles and cousins there for their party. My parents will be traveling abroad and will miss it (but they'll be here for Thanksgiving). I'm trying to figure out where to have their party. I know Glen's parents would be fine with us having it at their house, but I hate to bother them with all that goes into a party. I'm just drawing a blank on possibilities around town that could accommodate us. I'd love to make the boys' cake(s?) because it just tastes better than a store bought cake. But do I really want to have to bother with trying to make a cake in a kitchen that is not my own using tools that are not my own? Would it be better to just buy a cake? We've also discussed who to invite. We definitely want all our family members present. We'd also like to invite friends, but that's mostly so we can see our friends without having to schedule several outings with several different people. But it doesn't seem right to invite people to a party who barely know our kids. Right now I'm leaning toward just having family. We'll figure out the friend thing later. (I also have other friend concerns, but I'm not going to write about that here.) I'm really really sad that my parents can't be there for their first birthday. Really sad. We just didn't see another option that made better sense than what we're doing. I'm totally intimidated about trying to plan a party. I just worry too much about what other people think and want. Thankfully Glen is outspoken, so I'll be able to tell him what I want and he can direct people.

Weaning:
The boys have both decided they prefer the bottle during the day. I've continued giving them breastmilk. Occasionally I have to add in some formula to their daytime bottles, but other than a couple ounces of formula a couple times a week, they are getting all breastmilk. Their bedtime bottles are bigger than during the day, so they're getting 1-3 oz of formula with the breastmilk at bedtime. I've kept up the nursing in the middle of the night. Up until now I haven't been overly sentimental about breastfeeding, but one reason I'm reluctant to drop the middle of the night feedings is because that means it's the end of nursing and that signifies the closing of the babyhood chapter, which makes me sad. My goal for breastfeeding was one year, never imagining that I would make it that far. Here I am a month away from reaching that goal and I feel proud. I got through 6 months of a dairy-free diet, one bout of thrush, numerous bites, refusal to nurse which means pumping 4 times a day. It hasn't been easy, but so worth it. When people try to compliment me on it I tell them it's only because I'm lazy (no bottle washing) and cheap (not paying for formula) and it's also my diet plan. I know I can't keep up this pumping and bottle feeding much longer. The question is whether I want to keep it up for our trip home or wean them a couple weeks before their first birthday. Would I always feel guilty I didn't go the entire year (having to explain that I stopped two weeks before they turned 1, rather than being able to say I breastfed them for a year)? It certainly would be much easier to only deal with formula or cows milk. That reminds me, I need to check with their doctor about when I can give them cow's milk. Is one or two weeks before their birthday close enough to a year for me to be able to say I breastfed for a year? And another thing, nursing in the middle of the night is so much easier than preparing bottles. So much easier. If I'm going to continue getting up at night with them, I'd rather just nurse. But maybe they would hate the bottles enough they'd just stop waking up to eat? Aaaaand I'm back to sleep. Speaking of sleep, it's time for me to sleep. Maybe I'll get a few hours before someone wakes up.